I woke up this morning and threw up.
No, I didn’t drink the night before nor did I have a cold.
Anxiety. That’s what it was. My heart was racing, I was sweating, head was thumping, mind was ‘bleeding’ with thoughts and my central nervous system was fucking with my emotions.
I had woke up, thinking about my girl. My ex girl, I should uncomfortably write. I had just dreamed of her, of an old time, feeling an old feeling, and I woke up remembering her gentle smile and soft, feminine voice. My mind swindled me with a cruel trick.
When you are young, growing up, you are supposed to go out into the world and experience. It’s a part of shaping who you are and gaining perspective. You acquire knowledge, social skills, and perhaps some happiness (and sadness) along the way.
An intimate relationship is something we crave with another person at one or some point in our years where we believe we understand and know everything (the infamous teenage years). It’s a connection different from any other relationship, and rightfully so.
One cannot truly understand what I’m talking about unless they have been with another person for a sizable length of time. Time allows a relationship to grow, to mature. Both people learn more and more about each other as both person’s lives are deeply affected by each’s presence.
A relationship becomes a part of you, everybody. I made the fatal mistake of allowing my relationship to define me. I ignored my friends and family just to be with her, shunned many of my hobbies, wasted many days by doing nothing other than lying around thinking. I ignored my destructive errors.
On PUA (pickup artist) and ‘game’ blogs, the guys on there call this oneitis. Oneitis is what a guy ‘has’ when he’s with a girl, puts her on a pedestal and makes the relationship with her his life. It’s destructive in the long run and has no benefits whatsoever to a person that subjects themselves to the horrors of oneitis. You lose touch with who you are, your personality, your sense of humor, your self worth… oh, and oneitis is universally unattractive to women, because it’s a sign of weakness — or an insecurity — in a man.
I don’t know when I developed oneiits or started to become codependent of the relationship. It must have been a little after the first two years of our relationship. The dynamics began to change as the ‘food on my plate’ began to lessen. By food on my plate, I mean my busy schedule started to soften. I didn’t have so many things to focus on, so I gave my girl my complete attention, too often. I internalized my actions, her actions. Things I said, things she said.
She was sweet. Kindhearted. Short, curvy, cute round butt, long brown hair, angelic eyes, gentle smile (my favorite — a girl with a gentle smile is my weakness), a voice that could calm anybody down, a babydoll really. She was intelligent… she read, wrote about her thoughts. We would sometimes get into introspective conversations about the deepest topics in life. She would draw and paint. She had the perfect sense of humor… she had no problem laughing and making jokes about crude and ridiculous, off the wall topics.
For the first couple of years, she viewed me as something of an ‘alpha male’. Tall, dark, muscular, rugged, masculine, broad shoulders and big long arms that would make her swoon as she’d fall into me and I’d hold her… we would write together, listen to the same music, read the same books, laugh until our internal organs hurt. I was the confident, assertive, aggressive yet loving & caring man. I said what I felt, stated my opinions and didn’t apologize for my feelings/emotions. This drove her nuts, in a good way, and pushed her to the edge of loving me as much as she could possibly love. And she did. She loved me, and I loved her.
But everybody changes. You — the reader, my readers — know it, I know it. It’s inevitable. It’s a fact of life that cannot be rendered, because if you try to fight change, you will fight yourself and block your happiness. I know this for a fact.
I did not accept change well. The confident, secure and wise man in me was floored, knocked to the knees, weakened, no longer wise but a fool. The more I ‘tried‘ placated her, the more I continued in this abysmal downward spiral on a one way ticket to relationship hell. I didn’t understand it at the time like I 100% understand ti now, but it was turning her off, an unattractive behavior.
I would hang out with my friends, partake in my own individual hobbies, and do whatever the fuck I wanted in the first few years. That was sexy to her. It turned her on, to be with such a confident man. Now, I don’t even have to write what I foolishly was rendered (by myself) into… just read the first part of this paragraph again and picture the opposite. Voila! Unattractive, unappealing and not fun to be around.
It’s experience, and I have learned from my error of ways. It doesn’t mitigate the agony caused by the end of something that was once beautiful, strong and passionate — our relationship. It does, or has, however, instilled in me wisdom that I’m not sure I would have gained the same way in a relationship with somebody else. It’s wisdom and experience acquired by unique experiences, events… a unique relationship. A timeline of occurrences.
While she and I were together, or before, nobody ever told me, “don’t make her your life or you will lose yours in the process”. I learned that the hard way. The advice most definitely is not common sense. When you are in a relationship for years, your views are skewed and your perspectives vary, as your emotions have you by the neck, tugging at your jugular.
When my wise, older best friend who’s like an older brother to me, Michael, said to me, “Don’t ever give your life away to one person… you’re a handsome young buck depriving yourself of beautiful relationships with many different beautiful girls”, it was near the end of my relationship with her. His words wield so much truth.. and wisdom. Not just for me, but for every man my age out there who’s been tripped up in life like I have.
I lost myself along the way, and I forgot to take care of myself. When you are an adult, it doesn’t matter how much another person loves you, you have to be the one to take care of yourself at the end of the day. Debilitating your mind, body and emotions is being unfair to yourself.
The world won’t stop throwing punches at you. The best gameplan is, you have to stand back up and throw punches harder than you believe life can throw at you. It’s not easy, but nobody ever said that it’s easy. You have the power to determine the way you live among your circumstances and environment. Your attitude and mentality is dependent on you.
I sit here this afternoon, a cup of coffee by my side as I take in the aroma, thinking about all of the words I wrote, and her.
I am my own man… she is her own woman. Somewhere along the way, I got lost, and perhaps she did too. We love one another immensely, but the relationship is no longer alive at this time, for now, for this juncture. What may or may not be alive is what we choose of our memories, good or bad, humorous or sad. Our mind serves as life support for said memories, and our heart dictates the way we feel them.
It’s the middle of January 2012, and my journey that I’ve been writing about continues. Again, I’d like to invite all of you to join yours truly on this ride, as I power through a trip to deface all of my personal demons. One of them that I struggle with daily? Letting go.