I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change things. A lot of things. Most people experience this feeling every once in a while… hell, I’ll go out on a limb and say that everybody has experienced this feeling at least a couple of times in their lives. Most people look at this feeling as a passing feeling and say, “Ah, well, it’s the past and it happened; no need to dwell on it!”, but what if you can’t help your damned self?
I’m young, but I feel like an old man sometimes. Look like it a little bit, too, with some noticeable gray hair in my early 20s (what the hell?). For once I’d like to be able to go to sleep at night without thinking, “Why can’t I go back and say something different or say something I didn’t get the chance to say because of hesitation?”.
I feel like I screwed everything up in my last relationship just because of one little argument on one little day during the early goings of 2010. The new year started promising (2010, that is). I blasted Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze” and tore down a few energy drinks before playing Halo 3 late into the night with one of the broskis before taking a late night trip to Wal-Mart just to screw around.
Everything was good. Everything was great. I was going to carry the momentum from 2008 and 2009 over into 2010.
Except I didn’t. I fucked everything up, I feel. One stupid conversation, and I feel that I ruined the relationship with her. No, I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat, nor did I call her a name. I fucked everything up, though, and nothing was ever the same albeit on some days things seemed like the way they used to be. Everything in 2008 and 2009 (complete, absolute happiness) was a stark contrast to 2010 and 2011 (two, stress-filled bullshit years).
I harbor a lot of guilt, and maybe it’s unwarranted (it is unwarranted). I feel like there are so many things I could have done to prevent our relationship from falling to the surface.
We’ve been keeping regular contact (a couple of times a month), but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or not. I don’t know if I can handle seeing her with another guy, after she and I were together for multiple years. When you spend years with a girl who professes a lot of lovey-dovey shit to you over the said prolonged amount of time, the feeling that you will get in your stomach is indescribable. To even imagine her saying that to somebody else is unworthy of my attention right now. I can’t digest the idea, although I’m going to have to get used to the thought of it.
I’m not going to wait around for our relationship to rekindle itself in a few years. Maybe, just maybe, when we are both completely out of college, we might reconnect, as we both still genuinely love each other, but right now, with our distance and the circumstances, things just aren’t possible, and it sucks so bad.
I know that there’s nothing can be done for things that have happened in the past, but I still waste my time wishing. Here’s some food for thought, for everybody: “live your life through the windshield, not the rearview mirror”. The past is gone but the future will never stop coming. Embrace change and accept the fact that time is ongoing, as painful as it might be.
I really want to listen to some Pink Floyd right now, but I can’t due to the bittersweet nostalgia that comes along with listening to their songs.